Wednesday 18 August 2010

I have a frightfully big bone to pick with Google.

Imagine that you are strolling absentmindedly along your local high-street one day when you suddenly recognise an old acquaintance walking in the opposite direction. As you wave congenially to them you would expect to obtain some form of acknowledgement. It might be a fleeting glance. It might be a handshake. It might be that you spend the next four hours making small talk in the nearest Weatherspoon with someone you hardly know. Whatever the outcome, it is deemed the greatest slight to ‘blank’ such an advance altogether. To be left impotently gesticulating in a public place is the ugliest humiliation. In polite society, if quarrelling is like traditional military engagement, a ‘blank’ is the social equivalent of unleashing mustard gas. It is a dirty, underhand and gruesome tactic.

This is how I feel about Google. Oh, had you forgotten that I was discussing our omnipotent webmaster?

Google knows exactly who I am. I visit her several times a day and ask her various ontological questions. It is a sad truth that I see Google with more frequency than I see my own mother. Why then, when I type the words ‘KITES MYSPACE’ into her window of wisdom, does she callously refuse to recognise me?

Google! You left me standing limply in the street screaming your name as you walked casually by! If I knew what ‘Bing’ was I would be using it!

To make matters worse, she happily lists every other band with a similar name. Evidently, Google has her favourites. She is as fickle as the most weak-minded primary school teacher. I will not be party to such petty politics. Ever since Google signed a deal with Verizon she has undermined the very principle of digital democracy. Why should I change a band name for the sole purpose of improving my SEO ratings? No, it is Google who should change. Let us revolt against this cruel tyrant!

If I saw Google in the street nowadays, I wouldn’t simply blank her, I would go over and spit in her face!

Oh dear, I think I need a cloth to clean my computer monitor.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Matthew, I'm Steve - friends with Rich. We met very briefly at the O2. Google rankings are affected not just by popularity, inbound links and relevance of content but also by the amount of time your content's been up. Since you're stuff is relatively new it could take another few months. professional SEO firms, despite deploying all their tricks and techniques, still can't deliver for their clients for about 6 months because google;s spiders onlt go out every 3 months i think it is... Anyways, soz if you just find this annoying but thouhgt it might be worth mentioning.

    ReplyDelete